2022

 This is part two of my story. Please read Booze Clues first for a richer reading experience.

It took me twenty years to quit drinking overnight. Despite my slow learning curve, I am happy to say that today I am four years alcohol free. My only regret about quitting is that I didn’t do it sooner. In this post I share some of the practices that have supported me to the point where drinking is no longer a ‘thing’ my consciousness has to process. While I am always a work in progress, I have found it rewarding to get to a place where I’m freed from thinking about drinking.

‘I can say unequivocally that I live alcohol-free with zero effort. No meetings or support groups, no cravings or daydreams, no awkward moments of choice making, no mooning for the past. Nothing. I know that kind of bold statement might make you incredulous. It's a huge mental and emotional jump, and my frame of reference can be polarizing and paralyzing for drinkers vs. non-drinkers. But you see, once the bell of consciousness has been rung, the brain can't un-ring it. The bell here is that alcohol is ethanol, the same stuff I fill my car up with at the gas station. It's been processed to taste good and packaged to be sexy and appealing, but essentially, we are talking about social drinking as a systematic program of self-poisoning. I can't un-know this, and now that I do, I can't allow myself to repeat such a self-destructive pattern.’   —Kim Dannies    2019 ‘Booze Clues’

A Journey to Self Discovery

For twenty years I harbored a deep knowing in my bones that alcohol was unhealthy for my body and my brain. I was a social drinker who longed to quit but felt constrained by habit and cultural pressure to conform. I hated that I could not make my wishes align with my actions. A fog of self-loathing followed me everywhere. Through many years of trial and error, spiritual work, much grace, and finally a Meniere’s diagnosis, I was able to jump the track and reroute myself in a healthier direction.

I have loved hearing from so many of you, thank you for sharing your stories and challenges with alcohol over the past four years. I welcome you on this thinking about drinking path, it’s a fascinating journey. It may take a few more attempts, but the bell is ringing, and I have no doubt that you will get to where you want to go.

So, whether you are ready to embrace a new lifestyle, are alcohol-free curious, doing Dry January, or you just love reading about other people’s drinking journeys—let’s get started. I prefer the term alcohol-free (AF) to sober which connotes a larger medical crevasse to navigate. I am not qualified to comment on that deeper challenge. Reader, if you feel that you are in the 10% range of a true alcoholic, or at rock-bottom stage I urge you to seek professional medical help.   

BYOB: Bring your own beauty

Sweating: take the money you spend on booze and treat yourself to a far infrared sauna. Costco sells them cheaply, and they plug into a wall socket. It’s very relaxing; you will detoxify your body, lower your blood pressure and inflammation levels, and your skin will glow after each session. Before Covid, I would accomplish my sweat therapy at hot yoga, but since this option has been off the table for two years, I do it at home instead. Daily yoga with the Boho Beautiful app, or a workout with Bande, and then a good sweat 3x a week in my ‘time machine’. This kind of regular detoxing gets me to a point where I simply don’t want to undo all that goodness and effort with destructive choices. Most spas come with Bluetooth, so you can listen to inspirational podcasts, like This Naked Mind which provides a rich source of inspiration and community.

The photo on the left was taken in 2017, age 60, the day before I stopped my wine habit for good. I was sweating regularly at Bikram yoga, but removing alcohol from the equation was clearly the key. The center photo was taken six months later, ‘18, and far right was taken summer ‘21.

I promise that after devoting yourself to this routine a couple of times a week your skin will look like a toddler’s and you will not feel like drinking at all, mainly because who would want this feeling to go away? After I get out of the sauna, I put liquid vitamin C (also from Costco) on my face and then a light film of organic carrot oil (Amazon). My skin is the best it has ever been. In the morning I splash my eyes with a little water, slap on some sunscreen and a swath of lipstick, and I’m good to go. People comment on my clean glow all the time, and I love it. Some things to look forward to when you stop drinking: sleeping sounder, a faster metabolism, a stronger immune response, higher hydration level, and a decrease in anxiety.

Beverage Balance

In social settings I don’t broadcast that I don’t drink, but neither am I shy about saying ‘no thank you’ to alcohol. I’ve noticed that the more uncomfortable someone is with their own drinking, the less comfortable they are with my not drinking. It has occasionally gotten awkward, like when someone pours me a drink and shoves it in my hand. I calmly tell them that I feel better not drinking—and who, but a certified a-hole, can argue with that?

People are fascinated by my choice, and I remember being the same kind of curious back in the day: it was like talking to an exotic animal. Now I know that with the first drink we give away our power, we are no longer in charge. The GABA receptors in our brain, the ones in charge of inhibition, immediately go numb and get us gabbing—often with compromising consequences. Living alcohol-free makes me feel like I have a superpower, which I love. I am never wondering how I show up for others and I feel completely accountable for my words and actions. I don’t give away my power, and that is a very grounding feeling.

I bring ginger kombucha to parties and pour it into a wine glass. (At first some may prefer to blend into the scene more, there are berry colored flavors that look exactly like wine.) I don’t care that people know I don’t drink. For me, it’s not so much what’s in the glass. It’s more about the enjoyment of a beautiful piece of stemware while socializing with my AF beverage. One thing I’ve noticed is that after I imbibe a glass of kombucha, I’m ready to switch to water. I’m satisfied. I never did this with wine, I’d just keep having wine; and that’s what booze does, it lowers our satiety cues and opens the trap door to thoughtless consumption.

After trying an array of options, I found the fake booze and bar mocktails to be counter to my health goals. Too much sugar and expense for a lackluster experience. I do love the AF beer—after my bike rides, when I am bored of drinking water from a Camelback, I’ll have a cold AF beer at the Tiki bar with my pals, and it tastes fantastic! The alcohol-free beers out there are great, and most bars carry at least one now. (The frequency phenomena repeats here: I never want more than one ‘beer’). 

I have found that once I gave up drinking as a habit, life went on seamlessly, and I even had more free time. I learned to divert all that thinking about drinking energy to being present for joy. I went to ten weddings in one year alcohol-free, and I had a blast at each one. Apparently, I can still dance without a buzz—who knew? I love going to the bar and ordering a beverage: my Wedding Drink is half tonic half soda with lots of lime. Mostly though, I love water and usually just have that. I went on three separate vacations for three weeks each, and I didn’t feel triggered to start drinking alcohol. Trust me when I say that this is a feeling of empowerment bordering on the magical.

Also, by choosing to eat dinner a bit earlier, I find there is less snacking and happy hour calories to navigate. I combine that momentum with intermittent fasting until eleven the next morning (16:8) and despite an older, slower metabolism, I don’t need to watch my weight as much anymore. My healed body regulates itself, and it’s one less nuisance for me to think about.

Meditation & Self Care

I meditate daily and find this very grounding. I’m fortunate that I learned Transcendental Meditation (TM) at age nineteen, it has been a spiritual power tool for me. I cannot emphasize strongly enough the benefits of a daily practice using whatever resources are available. This daily break helps me to marry my intentions with my actions; it’s like the two sides of a zipper coming perfectly together to support me in exactly the right place at the right moment. If you can’t stand the idea of sitting still, try journaling for fifteen minutes. I call it the PUG-15 (‘purge yer guts’) and I write everything that’s on my mind—never pausing­­—and then I burn it. Great. Free. Therapy.

When I stopped drinking, I suddenly had more quality time available, so I got into the habit of taking better care of myself in small, special ways. For example, choosing a hike over happy hour; and after a sauna, I’ll massage almond oil over my body and then add some grapefruit and peppermint essential oils. The feeling is fresh and delicious, and I go to bed feeling relaxed, hydrated, and delighted with myself. I always remember what I read in my book, and I sleep like a baby, ready for the next day's events. Little rituals are my way of thanking myself for making loving choices. When we take care of body and soul our spiritual vibration increases, and this directly contributes to a more loving and peaceful world.

There is an aphorism that says we are supremely influenced by the five people we spend the most time with, and for me this is true. The single most important influence that has supported me on this journey is the graceful example set by my thirty-something daughters. Over time they have figured out that alcohol does not support their life goals and have modeled a healthier lifestyle for me in real time. Blessings, these Wise Ladies. Their generation has blown the lid off a protected, polarizing pattern and brought fresh perspective to a conversation once deemed taboo. My advice is this: find at least one trusted person you can talk openly with and learn from—it will matter.

Teetotaler Treats

Another benefit of not drinking is a fatter wallet. I love books and now I buy them with even more abandon. Every time I don’t buy a bottle of wine or order an over-priced glass in a restaurant I think ‘BOOK!’ It’s just a fun little game I play with myself. With some of that extra cash I also treat myself to a monthly facial and massage. But seriously? Do a quick calculation of just how expensive drinking is and you will be gobsmacked. My first year AF I ended up exchanging those wasted wine dollars for a world class mountain bike.

Free Bird 

Right now we are all suffering from long-term, low-grade anxiety. We need to learn to nourish our nervous systems better and recalibrating for alcohol is a strong start. Gray-area drinking is a spectrum of drinking that can range from ‘more than moderate’ to an actual disorder: buzzed, drunk, a little hungover, lots of self-loathing, and then—gear up to do it all over again! This is the erosive pattern of self-sabotage and numbing. When people drink as much or as regularly as they do, they part with the ability to stand fully in their own refreshed sources of power. It pains me to to think about the waste of beautiful energy and potential that is perpetuated by daily drinking.

The energy that’s coming through for me as I write this post is one of freedom. It has been very freeing to not have to think about drinking plans, provisioning, watching my weight, wearing makeup, or wasting money and time on things that don’t move me towards my best life. Freedom has long been one of my core values, and mastering my choices feels like I am truly living in alignment with my desires, free of that fog of self-loathing. I often tell my grandson ‘Follow your goosebumps’ and living my truth through this choice is the surest way I know how to generate a steady source of goosebumps and gratitude in my life.

 I’d love to hear from you—feel free to send your comments to me!

 The Laughing Heart

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

—Charles Bulkowski