2022

People pleasing comes naturally to us by virtue of our humanity and our innate desire to nurture. There is nothing more beautiful than an authentic act of kindness. But there is a spectrum of people pleasing that can easily skew to socially prescribed perfectionism—especially for those of us who might not know or feel our place of worth in this world.

You may wonder ‘is people pleasing really an issue, or is it more likely that people just enjoy doing nice things for others?’ It’s both—but I think it depends on the source of the doing. If the energy feels selfless and easy, a flow situation free of expectations, it’s probably an authentically generous act. If it feels strained or complicated—if resources of time, money, or convenience are being overly compromised—or if boundaries are being crossed, then it’s more likely a People Pleasing situation. I know from experience that in the thick of the moment it can be very difficult to discern the difference. I recently found myself doing back handsprings trying to orchestrate a group spring break, and I was flabbergasted to observe the level of People Pleasing I was operating at. It reminded me that if I’m bending over backward, it’s pretty hard for me to keep moving forward.

While anyone can be a people pleaser, it must be noted that mothers are chemically predisposed. During childbirth a rush of oxytocin is released into a woman’s body; it’s the love hormone, the feel-good glue that helps bond mother and child. By nature, we are expected to go the extra mile in any given situation to ensure the survival of our offspring. Equally compelling is the need to be seen as a ‘good parent.’ Injecting a hearty dose of People Pleasing into life’s activity is a convenient insurance policy­­—a vaccine against criticism­­­­­­ intended to protect us from shameful moments.

I don’t think it’s a sign of our virtue when we are always willing to settle for the last crappy piece of the pie; or plunge into a martyr-lather because nobody treats us like we treat everybody else. I know plenty of people who have their bags of resentment packed, and it’s not a pretty piece of luggage. To perpetuate people pleasing is to empower it; we have the agency to set healthy personal boundaries for our own well-being and banish this particular doormat. Otherwise, we might as well go ahead and have ‘WELCOME’ tattooed on our foreheads.       

Whenever we feel resentment, frustration or martyred, then it’s time to take a hard look at the ‘Why?’ Why did I say yes in the first place? Often it is because we don’t want to appear mean, hard-hearted, or worse. That’s simply not good enough for someone who aims to live their highest good, and it’s ultimately disrespectful to everyone involved. There’s a way to know, ahead of time, if the barrage of choices we face each day are going to align with our values and support what it is we say we stand for, and that’s practicing our values check, striving to align our actions with our values.

In this post I want to focus more on our energy source: where does our goodness come from, how can we serve others and yet remain grounded and healthy as we live in authentic flow?

 ‘No one is born a people pleaser. It’s a coping mechanism learned over time. The thinking goes ‘If I can anticipate peoples’ needs, I can sidestep their becoming angry, critical, or disappointed in me.’ We are raised to be people pleasers, but our desire is to be truth tellers on our way to becoming who we authentically are. We are deserving of love, admiration, and adoration—when we stand inside our truth, when we own it, we don’t have to hustle for it.’    

—Brené Brown

I’m going to share a poem I came across in 1984. I have never managed to discover who the author is, but this writer changed my life profoundly. I was born a Virgo, and while I love my sign, my astrology is laden with perfectionist tendencies which can sometimes strangle stuff. I love the power of the semantic shift here, where choosing the flow perspective can change the course of everything.

‘Perfection is right– Excellence is willing to be wrong.

Perfection is fear– Excellence is risk.                          

Perfection is anger and frustration– Excellence is powerful .

Perfection is control– Excellence is spontaneous.    

Perfection is judgment– Excellence is accepting.        

Perfection is taking– Excellence is giving.

Perfection is doubt– Excellence is confidence.

Perfection is pressure– Excellence is flowing.

Perfection is a destination– Excellence is a journey. ‘

I’m a Girl Scout from a large family and my early employment always involved waitressing. Combine that with my Virgo legacy, and well—some habits were formed. See if any of these behaviors I practiced in the past resonate with you, and notice the subtle but powerful shift that is possible.

 1.   Trying to please people who are always critical (perfection) instead of setting boundaries for toxic people (excellence).

2.   Trying to make everyone happy at my own expense (perfection) instead of ‘putting my own oxygen mask on first’ to be more effective (excellence).

3.   Trying to control the mood: ‘Everybody’s OK—right?’ (perfection) instead of managing my own emotions and allowing others to do the same (excellence).

4.   Trying to be all things to all people (perfection) instead of making my own way on my own terms without comparison (excellence).

5.   Trying to compete with others (perfection) instead of seeking my own level of satisfaction (excellence).

6.   Trying to smother others with my goodness (perfection) instead of standing in my truth and owning who I really am (excellence).

7.   Trying to cover up my shame shields by overperforming (perfection) instead of letting people see that I’m a human capable of both mistakes and milestones (excellence).

8.   Choosing status (perfection) instead of my own standards (excellence).

9.   Always saying YES (perfection) instead of doing my values check first to see how a decision supports my needs as well (excellence).

10. Giving superficial or disingenuous compliments (perfection) instead of true, wholehearted, observational feedback (excellence).

 As BB says, ‘You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.’ Nowadays anytime I sense ‘smoke’ (people pleasing) in my crosshairs—over-spending, over-indulging, bragging, over-accommodating, over-performing—I see fire. These are the red flags of perfection, and I go on self-alert. It serves as a gentle reminder to dial it down, and then I can mentally shift back towards excellence and flow. When I see people pleasing in others, it opens my heart to a wider aperture and helps to inform my empathy response.

‘Help is the sunny side of control, stop helping so much. Don’t go getting your help and goodness all over everybody.’ —Anne Lamott

Words are actions. They have power and reflect our self-esteem. Operating from excellence is a powerful tool. Excellence requires accountability to self: setting limits, loving, and respecting ourselves. We don’t need thicker skins or kinder hearts to be in this world. We need our skin and our hearts, and we get to decide what’s healthy. We get to be the author of our own lives and we do that by modeling joyful excellence and teaching our loved ones what our healthy boundaries look like. We are not going to get it right every time because it’s a habit that we practice. We don’t have to do something or be something other than who we are to be worth loving, to be seen, and to be perfectly pleasing—to ourselves and to others.

I’d love to hear from you—feel free to send your comments to me. Please share this post with a friend :) and thank you for reading!