7 Things I Learned This Winter

March 2020

Kaizenesque

My 2020 intention seemed like a simple one: learn to sit with what makes me uncomfortable. The universe has taken me at my word, and generously dished me whopping portions of discomfort during this first quarter. Right after the new year, we began a home renovation project that swallowed me to the point where I wasn’t writing, much less posting, and pushed me out of balance. Very quickly my project was eclipsed by a historic stock market crash and we focused, in disbelief, on the avalanche of devastating stories of worldwide suffering: people dying without proper care, friends’ small businesses collapsing overnight, panicked people stranded far from home and resources. Our home, already looking like a giant hazmat suit, began to fill with up with hungry family members ready to intern for COVID-19. Take away routine, throw in world-wide pandemonium, some empathy overload, and a few vertigo episodes, and well, yes: instant shit show! This winter has swallowed me whole—uncomfortably—in ways that I never, ever could have anticipated.

The home project seemed like a fairly simple idea: renew what we value by updating the basics, adding some gravitas to the home we built twenty-five years ago by fortifying its good bones. We love our place and hope to remain for the half century mark. The plan was straight forward: add a little molding trim, paint, lighting, maybe some new furniture. I gave myself a stress-free timeline too, a year to ready the place for the family holidays.

Now, like most everything else in the world, it’s on stone cold hold. Instead, our home became annexed overnight, every inch commandeered into school, office, play, and exercise space. For a solitude-loving Virgo, this is pretty much my version of a nightmare—except for one vital, redeeming element: my home is now filled with people I love and that matters way more than awesome moulding. We have all brought our ‘A’ game to this crisis and created elegant solutions to problems we could not have fathomed even last month. They don’t mind living among ribs of wood and membranes of plastic and it’s all been more than okay. I have learned that I CAN sit with what makes me uncomfortable; in fact, I’m much better at it than I would have ever have given myself credit for. Who knew? I think we are ALL discovering that we are a lot more resilient, patient, and flexible than we ever thought we could be, and this feels like a silver lining to me. I continue to remain remarkably calm as we operate in our COVID-19 daze, and my default control-freak seems to have left the building (for good, I hope!)

Interestingly enough, this home refresher has been mirroring a similar internal renovation in my head and heart. Right after the holidays I began donating and selling all of the physical objects that don’t excite or serve me any longer, and this is when I noticed a major shift happening to me physiologically and psychologically as well. It’s like I’ve been an unconscious hoarder of stale emotions all my life and I suddenly woke up one day, deciding to rid myself of all that dead, useless energy that was stuffing the attic of my heart.

Just imagine how delighted I was when I learned the word KAIZEN this winter: it’s the Japanese concept of small steps leading to big changes through continuous improvement. Blended together these principles release physical emotional and energetic clutter from the inside out. Wow!

It’s been an amazing and all-consuming process: Kaizenesque. In bigger steps than I ever thought I could manage, I am learning to sit with what makes me uncomfortable. I haven’t been able to write much during this process, except for myself. Perhaps some new-found perspectives and wisdom will find their way into future posts or projects. Perhaps not. Who can safely say what tomorrow will bring?

We started a ‘Silver Linings’ list in Sino’s makeshift schoolroom where we add the small, unexpected things that have brought us joy since last week’s shelter in place began. It’s there to remind us that this too shall pass, and that we have so much to be thankful for. We GET to be together. We GET to stay in our home. We GET to keep learning and producing. Gratitude never felt so real, or grace ever so present. The main thing I have learned so far, is to let go. To release my habit of planning and controlling outcomes. (e.g.: Tell a cook she can’t go to the grocery store—’Whaaat!?’) What a tremendous relief to finally learn, and to integrate, that I cannot tie my happiness to expectations and outcomes.

‘We are wired for connection, but trauma rewires us for protection.’

Right now, the COVID-19 crisis feels like we’re all cartwheeling with vertigo. Life feels particularly chaotic and precious: poignant moments are amplified, and it takes effort to remain present: to feel the feelings, and to process our emotions requires superhuman energy on some days. Each morning when I wake up, I feel that first heavy thud of grief, like someone that I love has just died, and then I realize that life will never, ever be the same as it was last month. This wild energy is pitching all of us all over the place. We are being renovated beyond recognition, inside and out. I am choosing to embrace it all as the overdue awakening of our collective consciousness on a universal scale. I mean, think about it: who could possibly have fathomed such a compromised scenario, worldwide, just a few short weeks ago?

2. Contemplating Covid-19

On a global and a personal scale, this has been a terrifying, disappointing, and revelatory couple of weeks. How we’re affected by a crisis—and who is resilient enough to withstand this kind of thing—while still extending consideration and a helping hand to family, neighbors, and humanity at large—well, that’s what we’re really learning about here. Some people, and tragically that includes our current President, see the world as an enjoyable series of contests where winners rule and losers drool, and statistics are the ultimate metric. To some extent, we’ve always been governed by a measure of zero-sum thinking, but since the 2016 election, it has become US policy. I’m tired of Zero Sum thinking and behavior. If we learn one thing out of this mess, it’s that we are all in this thing together.

Something that is not a zero-sum metric is a global pandemic. Another nation’s crisis is not our gain; my neighbor’s economic wipe-out does nothing for my bank balance, our ‘stats’ won’t protect us. It’s a nobody wins scenario. We are inextricably connected: if one of us is vulnerable, we are all vulnerable; we all win, or we all lose. The main weapon for fighting against the contagion is awareness and cooperation on every step of the human staircase, from interpersonal to international. We must open

The power of social distancing. #stayhome

our hearts, files, and pocketbooks to get our arms around this one—the sharing of resources and information is paramount. It seems like a million years ago, but really it was only last week that we were wondering if it was okay to go to hot yoga and sweat alongside forty people. It vital to remember that just because we are healthy or young does not mean that we get to go around conducting our business as usual. Social distancing is not a hobby you practice when it’s convenient and then post your goodness on Instagram. We are all potential carriers and contagious, and we all have the responsibility to restrict our activity in an effort to flatten the curve of contagion. It’s old fashioned maturity folks: forfeiting immediate gratification in favor of long-term gain. Covid-19 has the power to kill, and it also has the potential to do serious life-long damage to our bodies, especially to our lungs.

‘The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in a moment of moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.’ (or stupidity!)—Dante’s Inferno

If we remain resilient and cooperate globally, Covid-19 will not wipe us out as a species. The markets will eventually recover and life, for most of us will resume, even as we adopt new ways of comportment in a world with compromised patterns and rules.

In the bigger, more lasting picture we need to ask ‘What do we learn from Covid-19?’ (the silver lining, if you will) ’What do we need to be alert to and create action around?’ Two major human-induced issues: the species-terminating threats of 1. environmental destruction, and 2. nuclear apocalypse. These terrifying twins are being managed with a zero-sum mentality by inept politicians: nationalism has created a dangerous game of winners and losers, and this can only end badly. As voters, and as Americans, we have the most power to influence and to shift these twin threats from a dangerous political game to their rightful consensus as global emergencies that can only be resolved by a cooperative global community.

Everything that happens is in service to a spiritual purpose. There’s no question Covid-19 is a horrible wake-up call, but we can choose to channel what will look like a mere nuisance in years to come, into momentum and political activism. The universe will keep coming for us louder and louder until we respond appropriately. After the devastation of these past few weeks, the 2020 election suddenly seems like a subject we can actually stomach. Now please, go wash your hands and start saving the world.

3. The Present of Presence

This winter, I have learned that we can be brave and frayed at the same time. Remaining alcohol-free has been a superpower for me during this crisis of recalibration. Not going down the rabbit hole of numbing has enabled me to find my footing faster and more securely with each day’s news cycle. My immune system is stronger and grateful and performing. Not having to secure a supply of booze or default to a daily ritual of soothing with alcohol is incredibly freeing. My happy hour lately is a bowl of popcorn and a rowdy round of Uno with Sino. I am able to rebound faster from the blues and I feel like I’m moving forward (albeit on a path of molasses) but at least forward, with some modicum of momentum. I prefer to be alert to what is happening in real-time—remaining coherent, conscious, and curious about the questions—because that feels like something I actually have a choice over, and being able to DO something on my own power is reassuring to me during these scary days.

4. Anti-Viral Medicine

I am absolutely thrilled that my virtual BFF Brené Brown has finally dropped her new podcast series ‘Unlocking Us’. Her introductory episode is wonderfully raw yet reassuring, and has some practical tips for negotiating these stressful times.

Her “Energy Read” tip is useful as we shelter in close quarters: when your partner only has 20% you give the 80%, and allow the energy to flow between you, each picking up the slack as needed. Call out the numbers to each other throughout the day—they are a fast, effective tool. If you fall below 20% it’s time to course correct: make a ‘kindness plan’ on how to support everyone through this tough stuff—like when the market falls 35%. Talk about it out loud. Be kind. Be generous.

For the Tara Brach fans, ‘Facing A Pandemic With An Awake Heart’ will provide an hour of respite and resources from which to carry on.

I’m re-reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth”. It became an Oprah instant classic back in 2005 and remains a modern classic for our times. I was called to read it, and so delighted to scout it out on a lonely bookshelf—dogeared and generously flagged—patiently waiting to remind me of things I already know, but need to learn again. Truly living in the present has never felt so necessary to me. Somedays I find it very difficult to concentrate; if Tolle’s stuff feels too obtuse in the moment, I switch to ‘Aware’ by Daniel Siegel, MD. Siegel is a master at explaining the neuroscience of consciousness; he takes dense content and makes it applicable through the use of real-time examples and acronyms. Dr. Siegel is also a great listen on this podcast .

Something I am super concerned about in terms of permanent, lasting damage from this pandemic is the level of tolerance for xenophobic behavior that is being exhibited in public places. The fact people in general, and Americans in particular, feel that it is appropriate to be openly hostile and to bully others is abhorrent to me. I blame Trump for setting this sadistic tone for our country and the world. One way to combat the plague of cruelty is to read excellent writing. I highly recommend Celeste Ng’s books ‘Everything I Never Told You’ and ‘Little Fires Everywhere’. Her books capture the essence of what it is like to grow up marginalized in America. Ng shares the Asian-American experience with such poignancy and beauty it will melt your heart. We need a lot more of this bright light right now.

5. Rant-page

‘When I was younger I did a lot of ranting. Ranting is uncomposted writing. No one wants to accept the coffee grounds and the banana peels, but they will pick up the flower. We have to learn to write with love, until the light shines through.’— Sandra Cisnereos

Glennon Doyle’s “Untamed” is just out, and it’s one heck of a rant. If you need a ‘booster for the future’ this is your book. I feel we are at what I call a ‘right angle moment’—a seismic change is coming for all of us. We will no longer be comporting ourselves as before, or thinking so small about our own lives. Everything is starting to feel magnified and this book is perfectly timed to echo the call to embracing our authentic selves. Doyle’s writing can sometimes feel like a bit too much for me, but a healthy dose of rant is exactly what we need right now.

Ranting is the compost of the thinking/writing product. Have you tried doing some rant writing during this internment? I like to write for 15 minutes first thing in the morning to clear my mental decks: it’s non-stop, illegible, ugly, rowdy ranting—and then I burn it. Feels. So. Good. Why not give it a try? I call it the PUG15 (‘purge ur guts’/15 minutes). I promise it will clear your mind and create more space for healthy emotional processing. We are being stripped down to the studs during this renovation of humankind, we are examining the bones of the issues confronting us and we must renew societal platforms with what we most value for our world. Change is knocking hard, so you might ask yourself: ‘What do I want to contribute to the personal, and to the universal, going forward from today?’

6. A New Metric

Fear hates truth and light; it hates presence and awareness. If we take care of what we want to manifest, the universe will take care of the how. We are going to come out of this pandemic emotionally braver and bolder in the discernment of our desires. Going forward, I think a lot of people are going to be using a subtle new metric for refining their social connections: ‘Would I want to be quarantined with this person?’ Social distancing will be a conscious choice and a tool to reinforce what we already know how to do: trust our intuition. ‘What makes me smile?’ ‘What brings me energy and joy?’ will be requirements, not wishes. Now, we are going to become brave enough and awake enough to insist on quality over quantity in our relationships. We’ve been tenderized by this tenuous challenge and the light is starting to seep in.

If you find you are resisting something (you don’t want to do it) or to be with somebody (you don’t feel enthused) be brave enough to look more deeply into the ‘WHY?’ of that, and then begin your own renovation project. Renew what is valued by updating your basics—add some thoughtful gravitas to the heart-home where you dwell, and fortify its good bones by revisiting your value system and trusting your gut. Hit your reset button by cleaning out the dusty attic of your heart and shed what feels dead to you. My prediction is that we will maintain fewer but far more substantial relationships. We will be seen and supported by those who really matter to us at a soul level; we will have genuine people whom we trust to sit with us and witness our authentic lives; we will create more elegant solutions to our problems; we will laugh and we will empathize with each other at a new level of conscious presence. Substance and satisfaction will matter most. This is the true gift of humanity that we cannot live fully without—and it may be the ultimate silver lining to COVID-19.

7. Grace Note

‘I only wish I had known how happy I was two weeks ago.’ —Amy B.

We are wired for connection, but trauma rewires us for protection. My wish is that we can stay connected as human beings and cultures even as we learn the concept of social distancing and our freedom to move about is restricted in unprecedented ways. I am trying hard to stay with my program of exercise and healthy habits and routine, but I am finding some days more difficult than others to stay the course. I am also allowing myself to wallow in this shit-show, feeling it ALL: admitting when it sucks, cranking through the crankiness, and hustling for a bit of happiness when I need it (read: chocolate!) Talking with friends and family, reading, resting, playing games, and hiking are helping so much; learning to live with less, a practice in preciousness, is my investment towards better days ahead.

If we can make it a goal to come out of this stronger and wiser and more deliberate in how we live our lives, then there will be value in this mass disappointment, devastation, and suffering. When we welcome the unwelcome, when we learn to sit with what is uncomfortable, then our fears will begin to dissolve because we are awakening and the light is finally getting in.