The Friction Audit

2025

I am welcoming the New Year with reflection, not rules. 2025 is here, and despite the iniquitous state of our country’s leadership, I want to make this year as magical and restorative as I possibly can. Instead of stressing about the world’s problems, I am going to focus my intentions on moving my own needle in the direction of feeling less irritated and more humane on a daily basis.

I’ve started this process with something called the Friction Audit. In the business world this process is used to detect areas of inefficiency or mismanagement in an effort to improve controls and costs. In my world, it is taking stock of the little things in life: an audit of personal habits and ways of being in the world that cause me friction or frustration. I study these details to understand ‘the whys?’ of the situation, and then I make an action plan to reduce the friction.

Why is this individual strategy for reducing collective stressors beneficial? Due to current events, many of us are recieving daily doses of dismay—and there is very little that we can do to impact this wild energy. We all have a thing called ‘allostatic load’. This is the cumulative burden of chronic stress and life events that build up in our nervous system dysregulating our mood and emotional stamina. When various environmental challenges cause allostatic overload—we snap. So, if I have a tool to streamline and smooth the way for less stress and more satisfaction, I’m sure as heck gonna use it on a daily basis.

Read: ‘Can I eliminate some of the things that bug the bejesus out of me, and make them go away?’

At its base, friction triggers the symptom of irritation, which couches a deeper issue or wound. Why is it that something is very irritating to me, but it’s not at all to you? As the Psychoanalyst Carl Jung observed, it’s all in the shadow part of our unconscious mind that we repress. Sorry, but this is a BIG topic, so you’ll need to do some digging to learn more—but it is truly a worthwhile journey to learn such important information about oneself. Suffice to say that we all have our shadow sides, and that we all get triggered and irritated for a variety of unknown reasons. There’s no right or wrong about it, no shame or judgement—we all have picadillos simply because we’re human.

Here are some simple examples of points of irritation in action that I observed during my Friction Audit. I added two additional steps to my audit for deeper resolution: #2. Remedy: a strategy to smooth the situation. #3. New Perspective: how can I think about this situation with fresh eyes?’

Princess Trixie Rules: ‘please don’t take my cell phone away from me!’

1.    The Needy Pee-Pee. Friction Point: Taking my darling pup Trixie out for multiple daily leashed ‘business’ breaks which can take upwards of twenty minutes a shot in the freezing cold. (Mind you, I take her hiking every day in the woods.) She sniffs and twirls and then gets distracted by the UPS truck, another walker, or even a branch out of place—and I am deep in my version of liminality hell—so much so that I’ve largely given the task over to Stealth. Remedy: When it IS my turn, I sometimes listen to an audible book to relax my angst. I am gently coaching myself to enjoy the process more by being present to the swell of gratitude I feel when I say to myself: ‘I am lucky to own this darling dog!’ New perspective: I heed the words of my middle daughter: ‘Mom, when you try to rush Trixie, you rob her of the opportunity to sniff and explore her little world. It is exactly like having someone rip your cell phone out of your hand. Would you appreciate that?’ I can’t unhear this—and it’s really helpful!

2.    The Cranky Cook. Friction Point: When my partner does the clean-up after I have cooked the meal, that’s a win-win for both of us. But, seeing that the kitchen clean-up is not completed—that a gross wad of food is still parked in the sink plug, or leftovers are sitting out sparks an impulse to shriek ‘finish the ‘effing hill—complete the job for heaven’s sake!’ Remedy: I calmly talk with my husband and share what I feel: that my cooking efforts are disrespected when I see the clean-up job is incomplete, as if the kitchen is ultimately my responsibility. I remind him that it is his kitchen too, and that he is not ‘helping’ me. It’s his responsibility to honor the standards we have set together. New Perspective: By sharing how this source of friction made me feel, and eliminating it together, we found the space to talk about other areas of friction in our daily life that could easily be eliminated with a friendly conversation. We used the friction audit tool as gateway to develop more useful exchanges. The result? We have reduced some of the micro-resentments that plague all couples, and we have developed more awareness about mutual consideration. I highly recommend this as a healthy refresher for any relationship dynamic. Remedially, I now stand the toothpaste upright with the cap on, to my partner’s liking—and every time I do it, I feel more aware of, and more lovingly connected to him. The ‘friction audit’ conversation is bearing fruit!

3.    Project Procrastination. Friction Point: Recently, some of us endured annoying holiday decorating friction by not having our light string supply organized. This is entirely avoidable. Christmas comes at the same time next year, so why not plan for it ahead of time? Remedy: I set a calendar alert to remind us to get our light act together next November so that we can enjoy holiday decorating friction-free. Know what else comes the same time every year? Tax preparation and deadlines, wedding anniversaries, exams, ski season, holidays, and birthdays. Giving ourselves a simple ‘heads up’, and maybe even pre-gaming a little eliminates a lot of friction in life moving forward. New Perspective: The result is the ability to coast in the anticipation of activities rather than dreading the fall out. Do you really want to visit Home Depot three times in December to get it right? Research says that 50% of our happiness lives in the anticipation stages of our lives—looking forward to things like vacations, holidays, social events, and yes—holiday decorating projects.

I think the idea of examining our lives through the lens of a friction audit is a tool anyone could adopt. Hosting guests too often? Not staying on the budget? Cheating yourself out of trips to the gym? I would extend this friendly audit process to more areas such as tech hygiene, social media, news exposure, and all of the ‘I shoulds’ that clog the flow of positive energy and irritate our brains. Sit quietly for a moment to identify your friction points; think about ways that you might remedy these situations; and then pivot to thinking about it in a new, more empowering way that supports YOU more effectively.

2025 is going to be a wild ride. Some tips for regularly resetting our allostatic loads are:

1. experiment with how we can interpret situations in a new way. 2. engage in regular physical activity—simply walk it off. 3. practice relaxation techniques such as journaling, mediation, or breath work. 4. Invest quality time and energy into supportive relationships. 5. Talk things out with a trusted friend (or talk aloud to yourself).

 Also, I suggest picking up Mel Robbins’s new book ‘The Let Them Theory’ to turbo this audit process—‘Let Them’ is the fastest, most effective way to reduce friction that I have ever encountered.

In closing, let’s enjoy a few ‘reflection questions’ to journal our intentions for 2025:

 ·      What did I learn this past year and how can I use this knowledge to enrich my life and spiritual practice?

·      What is felt in my heart, but stuck at my lips?

·      How can I be more accountable to myself and treat myself as lovingly and as well as I do others?

·      Am I showing up for myself in the way that I said I wanted?

·      Am I accountable for my actions?

·      Am I delivering to myself what I said I would?

·      Am I living my authentic code which honors my values and desires?

 ‘Every time I say I want something and then deny myself it, every time I commit to something and then don’t follow through and every time I promise myself ‘never again’ and I find myself right back at ‘again’, I literally am teaching myself that I cannot depend on myself, and that I don’t trust my own word.’ —Vienna Pharaon @mindfulmoment

 Happy Friction-less New Year! I’d love to hear from you—feel free to send your comments to me. Please share this post with a friend :) and thank you for reading!