Feeling Bullish
‘Transforming always involves the falling away of the things we have relied on and we are left with a feeling that the world, as we know it, is coming to an end—because it is! When we can free up our sense of needing to arrive in a certain place, we lessen the weight of being lost. And once beneath arriving and beneath our fear of failing to arrive, the real journey begins. Whatever opens up is never as important as what gets opened—the [pandemic] is a gift, it's the opener. What's opened is the next part of the journey.’ —The Dirty Angels by Mark Neppo
2021
What is the pandemic opening up for you? I’m gonna spitball here and guess that this feels like a pretty loaded question right now. We’ve been existing in stacked states of alarm medically, culturally, politically and economically for almost a year now, and our fatigue is palpable. I battle my crabby inclinations with a single shard of optimism at the prospect of receiving the vaccine. I’m thrilled for those who have received their miracle jabs—really truly—but please, stop trying to hug me (and maybe try to contain your glee in front of us wannabes. ) Thank you. I feel like an emotional yoyo and my brain-body is exhausted from managing so many conflicting emotions. Yes, Mark Neppo, I am feeling open: cracked wide open.
Metabolizing this hot mess of trauma is problematic for many reasons, and our hijacked nervous systems are suffering the most. The emotional/irrational part of our brains, the limbic system, has taken our rational, cognitive thinking capabilities off-line. Living in a perpetual state of anxiety makes our brain believe that we are in imminent danger, which then triggers our ‘flight-or-fight’ response. This releases cortisol, a stress hormone, into our bloodstream to speed up our safety response. Problem is, cortisol is designed strictly for situations involving dire physical danger. It’s our overactive limbic system that creates super-sized emotions like feeling out-of-proportioned-pissed off, or spontaneously sobbing in the grocery store parking lot. We are wired for connection, but the longevity of this trauma year has rewired us for ready-alert self-protection. We are not designed to live in this state-of-stress indefinitely—it’s erosive—and that’s why we feel so pooped.
Putting a shiny coat of shellac on our challenges is fine if you pride yourself on being a generally optimistic and grateful person. Renewing affirmations is a healthy strategy and gratitude is indeed a powerful force. I think most of us like to think of ourselves in this light, as a general rule. But if we cannot put on that happy face, or we feel exhausted, or bewildered by our emotions that seem to change hourly—it’s okay to own and express that, too.
Disappointment and resentments morph into stuffed anger when we don’t process and verbalize our needs and desires. This fragile limbo we are managing, something that feels like stormy weather every day, can create low-grade depression. Regardless of how fortunate we feel, or the virtuousness of our pandemic bubble, there are psychological and physiological reasons for why our despair seems to be deepening even with the promise of receiving a vaccine. We are at the hardest part of the marathon, between miles 18 and 23, and it feels scary wondering ‘will I actually cross the finish line?’ We can help ourselves to stay open, to chip away at our frustrations and fear, by journaling, meditating, and sharing our grab-bag of emotions with a trusted confidant. This is self-care, and it is essential to embrace right now.
My version of Words with Friends…
It’s deep winter here in Vermont and I have hit the pause button. My ability to socialize, even in small, safe doses is nil. I am craving hibernation. I find comfort in study: my books, and in particular words, for solitude and restoration. There are so many fascinating words from other cultures that convey emotions that are not able to be expressed in English. ‘Querencia’ (kr-en-see-uh) captured my heart this week, fueling hope in a most unexpected way. Querencia is a Spanish metaphysical concept derived from the word desire.
Traditionally querencia means the spot in the bullfight arena that is taken by the exhausted bull for a defensive stand in a fight. It’s the place the bullfighter dreads the bull finding, because the bull will win if it finds this sweet spot of safety. This is the place where the bull harnesses all its desire and life force to prevail over his adversary and survive. I find this to be a beautiful metaphor for the arena we currently find ourselves in—a life-threatening pandemic.
I find comfort in thinking about what querencia means to me. Where do my sources of desire and strength live? I think this is one of the gifts of Covid—it has forced me to slow down and think things through with fresh eyes. It is requiring me to take responsibility for my emotions and my choices. I’m finding that if I can focus on the places from which I draw strength, where I feel grounded and restored, where I feel nurtured and replenished, the places where I can be my most authentic self—then I will be able to stay open. (And I’ll cross that finish line just fine.)
I am discovering my querencia, and to my delight it is everywhere. It’s the knothole on my desk and it’s inside my ratty plaid shirt. It’s that moment when dark chocolate melds to liquid heaven on my tongue. It is curled up for sleep in my flannel sheets. It’s the arms of a child wrapped around my neck. It’s a snowflake settling on my cheek. It is the best part of a good book. It’s in the woods and the woodsmoke. It is home.
We are all home right now for a divine reason—to rest, regenerate, and fortify our desires. To reclaim our querencia, and restore the sweet spot in our hearts so that we can protect what matters most. I no longer need to know when I will receive a vaccine, or that I will arrive at a certain place anytime soon. Or even what the next part of the journey might look like. As long as I can remember to stay open and to carry querencia in my heart as I slog the hardest miles ahead, I’ll be able to remain a bit more optimistic. Even bullish, you could say.
I’d love to hear from you—feel free to send your comments to me!
