The Rules of Civility
2022
Civility is the warm winter coat that embraces us with boundaries. Manners are the turned-up collar of kindness, while etiquette—the brass buttons—provides order and security. Civility conveys respect and gratitude to others and reflects how we like to be treated. Good manners are acts of kindness that acknowledge the dignity in all of us and set the standard for generally accepted behavior. ‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ are spiritually magical words that open doors and grease the wheels of gracious interaction. Knowing which fork to use is helpful, sure, but that’s more about proper etiquette than civility, which is the art of exhibiting an awareness of others and expressing empathy.
Social decorum has taken a beating in the past several decades. We are deluged with oversharing on social media and routinely perplexed by the disgraceful behavior of people in the public eye. Both have degraded so many of our social riverbanks that it feels like a giant puddle out there. With the holidays hurdling towards us, I wanted to look more closely at civility, the foundation of manners and etiquette, that is sourced from our common values and manifests in all aspects of our character. Civility drives how we comport ourselves in this world—not just at family reunions, but in the micro-moments of our everyday interactions.
While I am considered a well mannered person, I can also be very abrupt. I am constantly trying to calibrate between my natural disposition for efficiency and my desire to be more relaxed and gracious. I often operate on ‘speed-dialed shorthand’, and I can come off clipped—ok, even rude—at times. I call it ‘my rough edges’ and I’m painfully aware that, despite my conscious efforts to slow down and polish my manners, the mental emery board I carry around in my head will always be necessary. To help mitigate my shortcomings I created some rules of civility that I try to practice.
P’s&Q’s: Please &Thank You; I’m Sorry; Hello; Excuse Me; Eye Contact.
M.Y.O.B. I mind my own business; I don’t share other people’s stuff.
The four C’s: Communication, Consideration, Curiosity & Courtesy.
I came up with my rules of civility to remind myself of how I want to live my values in this world as I navigate social situations that sometimes include bumpy passages. I ask myself ‘ What can I do to be more gracious?’ 1. Pause 2. Take a breath 3. Respond rather than react 4. Release expectations 5. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Tis the season, and the prospect of festive gatherings (requiring our best behavior) can make us feel both excited and anxious. One of the reasons that holiday reunions become emotionally charged is that we are forced to hang out with people who have us pigeon-holed or stereotyped. ‘No, Uncle B, I’m no longer Kimmie with the buck teeth and pigtails, I’m 65 now and a few things have happened since 1969…’ While we know we have matured and evolved, our extended family (and even some friends) may have us stuck in the past trying to force a link of connection that’s long gone stale. These interactions feel exhausting: one, because they are mandated, and two, because it’s really annoying when a relative refuses to let us grow up!
Great relationships don’t just fall into our laps; getting to a place of relationship satisfaction takes careful, conscious effort. Behind every healthy relationship are the tracks of some difficult and awkward conversations that we rarely get to witness. This kind of effort requires both parties to move through their fears and insecurities and do the hard work of updating the connection. I recently went through this process with a loved one and it was challenging for a while, but we stuck it out together. Now that we are on the other side of it, I can see that the reward will be real and lasting. If our spiritual aim is to live authentically, ignoring the hard truths of how we really feel is not the worthy path (you could even say it’s uncivilized :) With that in mind let’s see what some civility and boundaries, mixed with a little kindness, can do to boost our holiday confidence.
It IS Personal
There is a clear difference between secrecy and privacy. You get to decide what is known to others and at what time. You don’t owe anyone your private information—especially if they have not earned (and maintained) that level of intimacy with you. If someone is grilling you or you feel they are overstepping your boundaries with invasive questions, you can stop them in their tracks by taking a breath, smiling, and saying ‘Why do you want to know that?’ Then, be silent.
If you are in the swipe right chapter of your life, you owe exactly no one an update. If someone makes a comment about your body or appearance, and you are uncomfortable discussing this topic, say so. Also, no one has the right to inquire about your family plans, drink choice, or anything else you deem off limits. You teach people how to treat you by remaining friendly, calm, and firm; all you need to do is repeat your boundary as often as needed. If you don’t know what healthy boundaries look like, or you suspect you could use a tune up, read Nedra Glover Tawwab’s superb books Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships before the holidays hit.
Apologies Accepted
The first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, and the first to forget is the happiest. This is clever, but a little trite for me. I include it because I want to have a formula for processing the inevitable: my next faux pas. What is forgiveness and how do I move forward after unpleasantness or pain with someone? It’s a very complex question, an existential headbanger—so, no thank you! My simple rule of thumb is this: If I think I have contributed even 1% to a problem situation, I will apologize genuinely and quickly. It’s the right thing to do and it saves me from being stuck perpetually in the forgiveness question.
The Curious Guest
An unbeatable combination for connecting with others is using communication, consideration, curiosity, and courtesy. During awkward holiday exchanges why not mix it up a bit and ask someone a gratifying open-ended question like ‘What’s the best thing that happened to you in the past six months?’ Then ask two more follow up questions. You will know how to do this because you are listening closely to their first answer (without trying to insert your stuff into the conversation) and maintaining eye contact. In mere seconds you will create a genuine connection with this person. Civility feeds on itself—the more you extend, the more it multiplies.
Move an Inch
Sometimes we find ourselves in situations we’d rather not be in. The bond of a shared history or a long acquaintance can often feel like an obligation, albeit one we are not ready to sever. In these moments I mentally ‘Move an Inch.’ The idea came me when I was studying martial arts. I noticed that during drills, when the aggressor came towards me, I didn’t need to run a mile to get away, I simply needed to lean an inch or two to the side to avoid a contact blow. I do this mentally when I’m pinned in a situation that I don’t wish to be in. Later, I do a 15-minute ‘purge write’ to move the negative energy on to the page, and then I burn it. As a bonus I give myself a small reward for navigating these types of encounters with kindness and civility.
Recently, I was very moved by an act of civility by someone who would not normally be on my radar. Governor Spencer Cox of Utah made this statement as he vetoed the Transgender Athletic Laws, which were written to prohibit sports participation by transgender students. Despite the many differences of opinion on this heated subject I think we can all appreciate the grace and humanity espoused in this beautiful act of civility. In the end, civility is really all about being the loving human who leads with their heart—it’s what I would call a class act.
‘I must admit I am not an expert on transgenderism. I struggle to understand so much of the science and it is conflicting. When in doubt, however, I always try to err on the side of kindness, mercy, and compassion. I also try to get proximate, and I am learning so much from our transgender community…’ Gov. Spencer Cox
In closing I want to wish everyone a magical holiday season filled with gracious civility, empowered energy, and peace of mind. I’d love to hear from you—feel free to send your comments to me. Thank you for reading!
