Try A Little Tenderness

2022

This holiday season already feels a lot more relaxed than 2021. Last year Omicron hit hard at Thanksgiving—confusion and conflict reigned as we tried to follow an ever-changing script about how to engage at Christmas. News drama, Covid testing requirements, and family mandates complicated our social agenda and the rules of engagement felt very transactional. This year we have the luxury of inviting a bit more tenderness into our exchanges and rituals. We can relax a little more, gather a little freer, and generally enjoy the potential of this holiday more joyfully.

Tenderness is simply the act of gentle kindness; this kind of spirit energy invites us to pause, to listen longer, and to be present and curious.

As a rule I’m a sucker for efficiency, so my personal exchanges tend to be friendly but succinct—probably bordering on the transactional at times. Nobody was happier than me when texting replaced actual phone calls and Amazon replaced actual errand running. What gets lost in the name of efficiency is the richness and nuance of human interaction. I suspect more than a few of us have indulged in this pattern over the past few masked years out of necessity.

To combat my Grinchy inclinations, I have taken on a challenge during this season of miracles. Among the hustle and bustle, I am gifting myself the opportunity for more tender loving exchanges with strangers and with loved ones. I am pausing an extra beat, listening an extra beat, and connecting for that extra beat. I’m trying to be more tender and mild.

WHAT CAROL WOULD YOU LIKE US TO TEXT YOU?

So far, not every exchange has been a success. Like yesterday, when a woman parked so close to my car door even a two year could not have accessed the seat. I spouted a few ripe words and— unbeknownst to me—she was standing beside her car. Whoops! Anyhow, I have been making better eye contact and small talk with the hard working folks who make my purchases possible. When I talk to loved ones I try to give them a whole-hearted compliment or gesture that contributes to their well being. (We are all hungry for some loving feedback!) I am trying to talk IRL rather than text. For example, when my daughter phones (tender) rather than texts (transactional) me to talk about our holiday menus, we can take that moment to express some affection—maybe even share a past Christmas memory, and have a laugh. These tender exchanges—gifts of civility—feel so much more enriching than a mere transactional exchange (which feels depleting to me and to others.)

Authentic connection allows us to feel more by slowing down, making time and space for satisfaction, and seeing our people anew. My loved ones are a year older and wiser, and there is so much more for me to discover and to love this visit. I think that’s why playing games is so important to my family, they provide the space and substance to be our true selves—it’s the superglue of spending time together.

With these thoughts in mind, I made myself a set of reminders to guide me tenderly through this season—they keep me connected to myself, so that I can connect with others. I want to feel filled up by the holidays, not depleted—we only feel exhausted when we’ve done too little of what truly sparks us. Will you join me?

‘ What brings me joy at the holidays?’

1. Hiking in the snow globe of a snowstorm.

2. Skiing, sledding, skating, and walking in the woods.

3. Laughing with my grandson and my puppy.

4. Gametime with family—Monopoly Deal is the current favorite.

5. Hanging out with my kids—cuddling, movies & snacks.

6. Cooking delicious, healthy food together.

7. Naps and cozy time by the fire; a Solstice Celebration.

8. Baking and decorating cookies—the sweet smell of Christmas.

‘What do I want less of?’